How to survive as a Dispatch Clerk

A DISPATCH CLERK’S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL IN TWELVE CRITICAL POINTS

1. Make sure you have a big, solid Sellotape dispenser. Getting a bit of uncontrolled Sellotape glued to the Picasso sketch is bad. You will be blamed for any damage.

2. You need your own room. There is a huge amount of kit you will require to make your life better. Most of it will be irrelevant to the dispatch process, but it looks professional and gives your job a feeling of importance. Well, not to the Sourcing and Marketing Departments.

3. Only ever pack one parcel at once. An error at this point will be almost unrectifiable.

4. String. Finish your parcel off with string. It will impress the Post Office. So, that will be a string dispenser please, Procurement.

5. The monster rolls of bubble wrap (I recommend the smaller bubbles) can turn nasty if abused. They will unwrap spontaneously and refuse to reassemble. This will make the dispatch room uninhabitable. Try to avoid using bits of already used bubble wrap given to you by other members of staff. They will be laced with Sellotape. They are the minefields of the dispatch world.

6. Never throw away a box. Every single one WILL come in useful. In addition to the dispatch room, you should indent for a warehouse to keep the boxes. Do not use a wooden Chateau Lafite box to send a £50 print, it sends the wrong message.

7. Always insert a request for the recipient to write to The Boss saying how beautiful the whole dispatch process was. This will, in truth, have little or no beneficial effect on your standing within the organisation. Organisation possibly not being the right word to use to describe our dispatch room.

8. Personally, I advocate using The Post Office as the deliverer of choice. I think they are more reliable. The options can be unreliable or so expensive that the cost exceeds the value of the contents.

9. Under no circumstances request remuneration or any non-financial benefits. It just results in ill-will and a difficult working environment.

10. Do not overlook the possibility of personal delivery. You get a bit of time out of the dispatch room (they seldom have a window) and you get a bit of fresh air. Always say the trip will take longer than the satnav tells you. I recommend taking the dog and a copy of The Good Pub Guide with you.

11. Don’t put plates with rice on them in the dishwasher, it gets cooked on. Filling and emptying the dishwasher falls within the job description for most dispatch clerks

12. Use recycled or recyclable products wherever possible.

13. On a marginally more important point you are, like the Waitrose home delivery driver, the face of the brand to the customer whether you deliver in person or by a parcel you have wrapped. Take pride in what you are doing, the brand is the most important asset.

14. Try me, see how well is works, www.Pluperfectpresents.com

15. The guy in the picture is not a Dispatch Clerk, he is Uday Shankar, also on the website!